Movie makers have come a long way. They seemed to have finally learnt what makes a good, even great, superhero flick with a couple of this year’s releases, Ironman and The Dark Knight, raging success stories.

Both are very different, but both have taken the way in which superheroes can be presented on the big screen to a whole new level, Ironman following the not-so-serious approach with its witty humor and incredible effects, and The Dark Knight following a more serious brand with its intelligence and intensity.

Of course, Bruce Wayne himself can vouch for the fact that the superhero has had a rough time on film, and, more so than not, actually gone horribly wrong - Batman and Robin wrong.

For every Tony Stark, we have had a Tony Farms aka The Pumaman.
For every Joker we have had a Nuclear Man aka a joke.

Taking a cue from 10 Lamest Alien Invasions in Movie History, I have another list from the files of lamedom - the superhero movies that were no so super, but actually down right evil.

I should add, such lists have been done before, but too many allow those small-time crimes, such as Pumaman attempting to fly and Spider-Man taking a helicopter instead of using his web, go unnoticed.

A regular like Catwoman makes the cut, but so does Rat Pfink, and a number of non-theatrical releases, straight-to-video or made-for-TV. They just shouldn't be exempt. Enjoy …




13 RAT PFINK A BOO BOO

Released: 1966
The superheroes: Ron Haydock as Lonnie Lord aka Rat Pfink and Titus Moede as Titus Twimbly aka Boo Boo.
The love interest: Carolyn Brandt as Cee Bee Beaumont.

The Year 2008 may have had Batman and Ironman featuring in two big blockbuster superhero films, but 1966 had the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder (in Batman: The Movie) and this product of flamboyant 1960s culture, the mighty, albeit really badly dressed, duo of Rat Pfink and Boo Boo.

Apparently the director Steckler attempted to make a straight crime drama, but after about 40 minutes of footage was shot, he decided that it wasn't working. So, since he could not afford to simply scrap the footage, and since parts of the film were unintentionally funny anyway, he simply had two of the main characters go into a room and then burst out in makeshift costumes thus creating a pair to rival Batman and Robin.

The story goes, Steckler padded out the rest of the film with shots of the not-so-dynamic duo in chase scenes, fight scenes and even in an encounter with a big gorilla called Kogar. He also had them appearing in a genuine parade as if it were being held in their honor.

And, if you're wondering why it's Rat Pfink a Boo Boo, the rumour is that when the main title was being animated the 'n' and 'd' were left out. The title designer apparently messed it up, and, again, the director lacked the budget to fix it. Talk about a 'boo boo'.

WATCH Rat Pfink and Boo Boo in all their glory >>>>>







12 THE RETURN OF
CAPTAIN INVINCIBLE

Released: 1983
The superhero: Alan Arkin as Captain Invincible.
The villain: Christopher Lee as Mr Midnight.
The love interest: Kate Fitzpatrick as Patty Patria.

Set a path taken by Hancock this year in that it is a parody of the superhero genre. And like the Will Smith movie, this parody just doesn't quite work either. In the case of Captain Invincible it's largely due to the atrocious singing. Yes, the singing. But, more on that in a moment.

The story goes, this super-powerful Captain fights the good fight against the Nazis during World War II, only to end up being suspected of supporting another superpower, that of the Soviet Union. So, dejected, he retires from duty and moves to Australia - to become an alcoholic.

The movie was actually made down here with some big Aussie names in the supporting cast, with legendary TV funnyman Graeme Kennedy of all people playing the Prime Minister. And of course, a movie made in Australia wouldn't be complete without Bill Hunter (Muriel's Wedding, Priscilla).

Veteran British bad guy Christopher Lee is at it again though as the villain, but here he occasionally bursts into song. It makes Captain Invincible kinda like what would happen if 'Aussie' Baz Luhrmann made a superhero film. It was however helmed by Philippe Mora, who was born in France, raised in Melbourne, and was behind the abomination that was Howling 3 (1987).

Speaking of howling, have a listen to Lee's singing voice. Anyway, the movie also sees Alan Arkin in the title role. Yep, the Academy Award-winning grandpa from Little Miss Sunshine (2005) wore the leotard, donned the cape and possessed superpowers as Captain Invincible.

WATCH the work of the singing villain Mr Midnight >>>>>







11 SPAWN

Released: 1997
The hero: Michael Jai White as Al Simmons aka Spawn
The villains: John Leguizamo as Clown and Martin Sheen as Jason Wynn.
The love interest: Theresa Randle as Wanda Blake.

I read a review recently which summed up this movie perfectly - 'looked great, but didn't go anywhere'. The costumes - particularly that of the title character and the main antagonist Clown - were actually pretty cool, but the film was let down badly by a braindead script and a lack of actual action.

Now Spawn is supposed to be one bad-ass dude, like an extreme version of The Crow or The Spirit - a deadly assassin who gets double-crossed and murdered, is sent to hell , and then ordered back to earth by the Devil himself to lead his army in the fight against heaven, only to end up using his considerable power for good - but instead he's more of an extreme dud, constantly bitching and moaning and reluctant to do anything.

Maybe the film's plight was largely a result of the director probably not really knowing what he was doing. Mark A.Z. Dippe is a talented visual effects producer, having worked on The Abyss (1989), Terminator 2 (1991) and Jurassic Park (1993), but Spawn was the first movie he had helmed, and about the last. Alex Proyas was apparently supposed to direct but dropped out to do that under-rated pre-Matrix flick Dark City (1998). Maybe they should've waited for him.

A very bland lead actor, Michael Jai White (Gamble from The Dark Knight), didn't help, though an unrecognisable Leguizamo as the tormenting Clown has his moments. Apparently the actor ate live maggots for this film. He could've eaten some more off its carcass.

WATCH the nasty work of Spawn villain Clown >>>>>









10 JUDGE DREDD

Released: 1995
The superhero: Sylvester Stallone as Judge Joseph Dredd
The love interest: Diane Lane as Judge Hershey
The villain: Armand Assante as Rico

This must be one of the Sylvester Stallone's worst ever performances. The worst of a bad bunch. His effort as the bad-ass Judge of the future did garner him one of the two Razzie Award nominations he's received during his long career.

The movie and Sly can be summed up like this, Dredd wears a ridiculous outfit, so shouldn't be taken too seriously by the viewer, but Stallone tries to play it too seriously and comes off looking ridiculous to the viewer. Watching the video below is a must.

The movie follows the path set by the comics - set in the Year 2139 when Earth has become pretty much totally uninhabitable, forcing most of the world's population into several 'Mega Cities'. These cities are ruled by the Street Judges, who act as the police, the judges and the executioners all in one.

Directed by Danny Cannon (whose claim to fame is I Still Know What You Did Last Summer), the movie however unfortunately takes the much-used 'hero gets framed so must clear his name at all costs' route. It allows Stallone to disregard the iconic Judge helmet, which actually rarely ever comes off in the comics.

Rob Schnieder playing the comic sidekick certainly doesn't help, and while respected foursome Diane Lane, Max von Sydow, Armand Assante and Jurgen Prochnow also feature, they do nothing to prevent Judge Dredd from being sentenced to a slow and painful, albeit deserved, death.

WATCH Judge Dredd laying down the ... law! >>>>>









9 SPIDERMAN STRIKES BACK

Released: 1978
The superhero: Nicholas Hammond as Peter Parker aka Spider-Man.
The villain: Robert Alda as Mr. White.
The love interest: Jo-Anna Cameron as Gale Hoffman.

Long before we saw Toby Maguire as the young man who gains superpowers after being bitten by a genetically-enhanced spider in director Sam Raimi's box office smash hit trilogy (2002-2007) we had Nicholas Hammond as the title character in this made-for-TV movie, which is really just two episodes from the series of the same time tacked together.

Also tacked together were the action sequences and special effects. I know, it was the 1970s. But while we saw Maguire’s friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man swinging through New York’s city streets like Tarzan in the jungle, here we have Hammond’s crawling up sky scrapers and taking an absolute eternity.

The movie, also known as The Deadly Dust, features only two characters from the comic series, newspaper editor J. Jonah Jameson and of course Peter Parker. There are none of the regular love interests, like Mary-Jane, and certainly none of the well-known villains that make up the web-slinger's universe.

No Doc Ock, no Green Goblin, no Sandman, in fact no arch nemesis of any note, just a boring old millionaire (not even a billionaire) called Mr. White, who plans to blow up the World Trade Centre using an atomic bomb.

Maybe due to being run out of town after his effort as the not-so-super hero, Hammond moved to Australia in the early-'80s, and has continued to work in front of the camera, even starring in an episode of The Chaser a few years back. Of course, before his work as Spider-Man, Hammond was the second eldest of the von Trapp children in the musical The Sound of Music (1963).

WATCH scenes of a very retro Spiderman >>>>>








8 STEEL

Released: 1997
The superhero: Shaquille O'Neal as John Henry Irons aka Steel.
The villain: Judd Nelson as Nathaniel Burke.
The love interest: Annabeth Gish as Susan Sparks.

You'd think big Shaq would've learnt his lesson after starring as the lead in the awful Kazaam (1996) to forget about acting and stick to just playing basketball and wearing bling, but no, he had to give it another go and appear as one of the worst superheroes of all-time, certainly the worst black male superhero, way ahead of Blade and aforementioned Spawn.

In the comics, Steel could be likened to a cross between Ironman's Tony Stark and the original Man of Steel, Superman, who, in fact, saves his life when he was a humble weapons designer John Henry Irons. Already disillusioned by the fact his creations were falling into the wrong hands and killing innocent people, Irons becomes a superhero after the death of his savior Superman at the hands of Doomsday.

Well, there is no mention of Superman and there's only a shadow of the real Steel as he looks more like an overgrown Tin Man who needs a brain than a fully-armored, high-powered superhero. Steel's armor is supposed to be made from steel, hence the name, but the armor and helmet flexes as if made from painted rubber throughout the movie. Not so flexible though is the acting of the lead

What must Richard Roundtree - who played one of the most well-known and well-respected black heroes, Shaft, in the 1970s - have thought? He actually had the indignity of appearing in this movie as 'How's-Steel-going-to-get-out -of-this-one' Uncle Joe. It was also one of Judd Nelson's worst moments as the smarmy villain of the piece.

WATCH this thrilling escape by Steel >>>>>








7 CATWOMAN

Released: 2004
The superhero: Halle Berry as Patience Phillips aka Catwoman.
The love interest: Benjamin Bratt as Tom Lone.
The villain: Sharon Stone as Laurel Hedare.

No one recognised how much this movie sucked as much as its star Halle Berry, who accepted the Golden Raspberry Worst Actress Award she 'won' for this film herself. Berry, who apparently did take along the Oscar trophy she was awarded for Monster’s Ball (2003) to the Razzies ceremony, probably should’ve settled with being just being that other superhero Storm from Marvel’s X-Men series.

This was the latest attempt by Hollywood to make a decent stand-alone female superhero movie after Supergirl (1984) and Elektra (2003) failed so miserably. They weren't as bad as this though. The character of Catwoman itself has had some successful adaptations, particularly via Batman Returns (1992) with Michelle Pfeiffer in the role of the original feline femme fetale 'villain-ess' Selina Kyle.

Berry's version though actually has nothing really at all to do with arch enemy and sometime booty call Batman or Gotham City for that matter, and very little to with evil-doing, as she is seen here as the heroine. That's fine but it was simply a disaster, highlighted by the terrible dialogue and really corny 'cat' moves.

Apparently when production stalled in mid-2003, rumors circulated that Warner Bros. would scrap the project and instead incorporate the character of Catwoman into Batman Begins (2005), but with Berry still in the role. Though a month out from being released in the cinema, a number of re-shots were done after the film tested poorly with screeners.

Berry has been quoted as saying she would like to revisit the character in the future, and learn from the mistakes of the past, but really, one life for this kitty was one too many I'm afraid. The character’s only hope of making it back onto the big screen would be playing a supporting role in a third Christopher Nolan Batman movie, but this flick probably put paid to that idea as well.

WATCH too-cool-for-school Catwoman foil a crime >>>>>






6 JUSTICE LEAGUE
OF AMERICA

Released: 1997
The superheroes: Matthew Settle as Guy Gardner aka Green Lantern; Kimberly Oja as Tori Olafsdotter aka Ice; John Kassir as Ray Palmer aka The Atom; Kenny Johnston as Barry Allen aka The Flash and Michelle Hurd as B.B. DaCosta aka Fire.

This just has to be seen to be believed. Superheroes for the Friends generation. A fan boy’s worst nightmare. This light-hearted prime-time TV series fortunately never got past the movie-length pilot episode stage. In fact, it never even went to air in the US, but the UK and Europe copped it.

What we have here is DC Comic big guns Green Lantern, Flash and the Martian Manhunter, second stringer The Atom and a couple of relative unknown chicks called Fire and Ice. So not exactly your A-grade JL line-up, with Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman thankfully, for their sakes, sitting this one out.

The production and story are anything but A-grade either, with the costumes and effects, not to mention the entire premise just plain ridiculous. Imagine the Friends gang sitting around at their local coffee-shop attempting to crack jokes while discussing their most recent failed relationship, then all of a sudden, they run out of the building to change into their superhero outfits in the alley around the corner and go and fight evil.

It is amazing to think DC Comics allowed the use of some of their star products in this way. Smallville, while I'm not a huge fan with its tinge of OC (as opposed to Friends), is a good example of how these sorts of shows can work. Along with Clark Kent aka Superman, the makers having introduced the likes Aquaman and Green Arrow before they became fully-fledged superheroes in quite a serious, though far-fetched, manner. Most importantly, there's no dorky outfits like we saw 11 years ago.

WATCH the Justice League use their powers to avert a disaster >>>>>








5 BATMAN AND ROBIN

The superheroes: George Clooney as Batman aka Bruce Wayne; Chris O'Donnell as Robin aka Dick Grayson; Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl aka Barbara Wilson.
The villains: Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze aka Dr. Victor Fries; and Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy aka Dr. Pamela Isley

Time to be appreciative here. If it wasn't for this movie, we may never have gotten the chance to see Christopher Nolan's epic Batman Begins (2005) and even more epic The Dark Knight (2008).

Director Joel Schumacher killed the franchise that started with the well-respected gothic Batman (1989). While Tim Burton's own follow-up, Batman Returns (1992) bordered on the ridiculous, Schumacher began to take things way too far with the tolerable Batman Forever (1995) and then completely over the edge with this one, which ventured into the extreme campiness of the 1960s TV series. Only back then it was the '60s.

Its biggest downfall was the convoluted script with three 'alleged' superheroes, including an embarrassing Batman, an arrogant whiney Robin and now a 'clueless' Batgirl, and three 'alleged' villains, a cornball Mr Freeze, pain-in-the-ass Poison Ivy and a brain-dead Bain. There was even still the Bruce Wayne 'love interest', attempted to be played by Elle MacPherson.

The corny dialogue was some of the worst in movie history. Here's a line from Robin to Ivy: "I hate to disappoint you but my rubber lips are immune to your charms". Or this from Batman to Robin: "This is why Superman works alone". Then there's Mr Freeze: "I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy". Even Alfred's in on it with: "I programmed my brain al-algorithms into the Batcomputer to create a virtual simu-simulation".

Then there's of course the costumes, in particular Batman's with the infamous nipples. Director Zack Snyder is actually paying homage to them in year's Watchmen movie by having placed nipples on Ozymandias' outfit. Must be cold.

WATCH highlights of Batman and Robin with 'commentary' >>>>>









4 THE PUMAMAN

Released: 1980
The superhero: Walter George Alton as Prof. Tony Farms aka Puma Man.
The villain: Donald Pleasance as Kobras.
The love interest: Sydne Rome as Jane Dobson.

You know there's a problem when Donald Pleasance says this is the worst film he was ever in. Now, I personally loved the guy. Who can forget his roles in The Great Escape, Halloween, Escape from New York, Prince of Darkness and that one with James Bond, but the guy was in his fair share of stinkers too, namely Halloween 4, 5 and 6.

But, here was the one he was least proud of. An Italian production about a London-based American who turns out to be a South American superhero or something like that. The main character, Professor Tony Farms, might be a scientist, but his powers are nothing scientific, but a gift from the gods - or aliens, or gods that aliens or aliens that are gods.

Anyway, as Pumaman he is supposed to be intimidating but is really just a big pussy. He gets around in a costume featuring what has been described as a big Aztec 'smiley face', and has to rely on his mentor, the South American shaman Vadinho, to hand out most if the ass-whippings.

And like real pumas, you would think he is supposed to be quite graceful as well, but the way he attempts to fly and leap around, he is anything but. He looks more like he's just experienced a major wedgie. No wonder he never got an endorsement from the Puma shoe company.

Pleasance plays the evil Kobras, who plans to hypnotize the leaders of the world. Get them to watch this movie, that should do the trick.

WATCH the excitement-filled trailer for The Pumaman >>>>>






3 THE FANTASTIC FOUR

Released: 1994
The superheroes: Alex Hyde-White as Reed Richards aka Mr Fantastic, Jay Underwood as Johnny Storm aka Human Torch, Rebecca Stabb as Sue Storm aka Invisible Girl and Michael Bailey-Smith as Ben Grimm aka The Thing.
The villain: Joseph Culp as Victor von Doom

If you thought the latest big screen incarnations of the family-friendly Fantastic Four (2005 and 2007) were bad – though they did have Jessica Alba - they were light years ahead of this 1994 effort. In fact, there wasn't much of an effort at all.

Legendary Marvel superhero creator Stan Lee was once quoted as saying unbeknown to the cast and crew, this movie was never actually intended to be released. It was made only because the studio that owned the rights to make a Fantastic Four movie, New Horizons, would have lost them if they did not begin production by a certain date.

So, while I pity everyone involved, particularly the poor director, Oley Sassone, and the actors for being led up the garden path, thinking it was going to be their big chance at superhero stardom, on the flip side, it does also mean they haven't really got an excuse as to why this film was delivered so badly.

The movie has since popped up on youtube (what hasn't?) and at the very least is entertaining in a 'laughing at you, not with you' kinda way due to the shoddy effects and corny lines.

The film takes the traditional F4 route. A group of astronauts are affected by a cosmic ray that gives them their own individual powers - stretchiness, invisibility, fiery flying, and strength and ummm, firmness - with their former friend Victor von Doom featured as the main villain.

It starred Hyde-White, who prior to this was in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) as young Henry Jones (later played by Sean Connery). There is also Underwood, who before he was getting his 'flame on' was The Boy Who Could Fly (1986), and also Stabb, who was in that memorable Seinfeld episode 'The Pledge Drive' in which she played the beauty pageant contestant Kramer coaches.

WATCH the Fantastic Four doing their stuff, cheaply >>>>>







2 CAPTAIN AMERICA

Released: 1990
The superhero: Matt Salinger as Steve Rogers aka Captain America.
The villain: Scott Paulin as Tadzio de Santis aka The Red Skull.
The love interest: Kim Gillingham as Bernice Stewart.

After having bit parts in films like Revenge of the Nerds (1984), Matt Salinger must've thought he had his big Hollywood break when he was offered the role of the much-loved, but rarely seen on the screen Marvel Comics superhero. Afterall, word has it that Arnold Schwarzenegger was up for the title part, but lost out due to his accent. This is not Captain Austria.

Just as well, it could’ve been the end of big Arnie’s career, just like it did Salinger’s before it even got started. Though the makers of Captain America were trying to cash-in on the re-emergence of superhero movie after the amazing success of Tim Burton’s Batman (1989), they didn't actually use much cash to make this pile of crap.

The outfit typifies how bad things are. The first mask they used for Captain America had holes that allowed Salinger's ears to be seen, but as this caused him uncomfortable chafing, plastic ears were stuck on instead. Then there’s the lack of action from old ‘Plastic Ears’, with his major weapon against a threat to the entire world a flimsy shield he throws around like a frisbie down at the beach.

The movie takes in the Captain’s origin - weak soldier is injected with super serum during World War II and is transformed into a ‘hulk’ – and then it goes all Looney Tunes, when he gets strapped to a rocket by his arch enemy the Red Skull (who for some reason is Italian and not Nazi) and end ups crashing into the Alaskan snow where he is frozen for 50 years.

While it is 'Captain America', the movie was produced and shot in Yugoslavia, of all places, and didn't even receive a theatrical release in the United States. Though Hollywood is now planning another, and of significant proportions, I just wonder if we’ll ever see a successful big screen version of the Captain. It’s that ridiculous over-patriotic costume I reckon, ears or no ears.

WATCH Captain America getting his ass kicked >>>>>







1 SUPERMAN IV:
THE QUEST FOR PEACE

Released: 1987
The superhero: Christopher Reeve as Clark Kent aka Superman.
The villains: Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor and Mark Pillow as Nuclear Man.
The love interest: Mariel Hemmingway as Lacy Warfield.

Of all the lame-brain Superman offerings over the years, this is by far the worst of them - even worse than the ridiculous Superman III (1983) with Richard Pryor, and even worse than Bryan Singer’s sappy, sentimental Superman Returns (2006). This offering served as the death-knell for the Christopher Reeve-era Man of Steel.

It was directed by Sidney J. Furie, whose best effort over almost 50 years behind the camera was probably The Young Ones (1961) with Cliff Richard, or The Entity (1981) about the horny ghost. This Superman story though was co-written by the star, the late Reeve, so sadly we've got him to blame as well.

As the title suggests its full of morals about building peace throughout the world, particularly through nuclear disarmament, with the population still in the grip of the Cold War between the US and the former USSR.

Lex Luthor is back after missing out on the third film and creates Nuclear Man in a bid to finally defeat the guy in the red undies and gain world domination. But, why the great Gene Hackman would return though is beyond me. He even provided the voice of Nuclear Man (who was played by the aptly-named Mark Pillow).

It is a wonder the producers could afford him. Apparently the budget for the film was cut from $36 million to just $17 million. What results is a production as cheap and as tacky as you will find. Just watch what is supposed to be an epic battle around the world between 'Supes' and 'Nuces', but ends up an hilarious romp. Spot the wires. And spot the black curtains on the moon.

A fifth film in the franchise had been planned but since this one bombed so badly the idea was scrapped. It's failure at the box-office did have one positive flow-on effect in that B-movie specialists Cannon Pictures cancelled its Spider-Man movie. Phew. Now that could've been another disaster.

WATCH some of the most ridiculous action ever >>>>>




Honorable mentions:

Daredevil (2002) with Ben Affleck
Elektra (2003) with Jennifer Garner.
The Punisher (1989) with Dolph Lundgren.
Superman III (1983) with Christopher Reeve