Battered Blockbuster Syndrome
April 29th 2008 03:26
That time of year is coming around again: Summer blockbuster season. I’m a tragic for it. I look at all the whiz-bang movies on the release slate and I cream my crackers, waiting with baited breath for the next Thursday to arrive and the next sugary film confection to punch my synapses into submission.
The thing is, the anticipation for these films is almost always in direct proportion to how much they end up sucking. I’m sure some boffin could create a formula for it, measuring the sweet anticipation against the soul-crushing disappointment that follows.
I think it’s the cinematic version of battered wife syndrome. A hyped summer blockbuster beats me around the head repeatedly, leaving me whimpering in the corner with a lowered IQ. Then, the next blockbuster rolls around. Its marketing blitz promises me that it will be more awesome than a bucketful of blowjobs. I lower my guard, the last beating forgotten. I shell out my $15 bucks and then…. BAM! There I am, back in the shower, scrubbing myself with steel wool, while the theme tune from The Crying Game plays in my head.
Last year was a case in point. My anticipation for Spiderman 3 couldn’t have been higher. The reality of Spiderman 3 was like being karate-chopped in the groin by Edward Scissorhands. Then: Pirates of the Caribbean 3. What’s not to love about Pirates of the Caribbean 3? Well, just about everything, it turns out. Transformers was next. Giant robots? Check. Awesome visual effects? Check. A plot stupid enough to cause cancer? Double check.
So… I must have learned my lesson about summer blockbusters by now, right?
Wrong. This looks like a bumper years for popcorn cinema, and my anticipation is reaching a threshold that is sure to have me on Prozac by the time September rolls around. Let’s look at what’s coming up:
Iron Man – I swear he didn’t hit me, officer. I walked into a door, honest.
The Dark Knight - I loved Batman Begins. I love Christopher Nolan. I love Christian Bale. I love the lifeless husk that was Heath Ledger. Please don’t hurt me.
Wall-E – There’s no way this can fail, right? Pixar are the Olympian Gods of animation, they can do no wrong. This is as close as it comes to a sure bet.
The Incredible Hulk – voted most likely to steal my $15 and pull down my pants in front of the other kids. But I’ll see it anyway.
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull – So what if Indy is older than the relics he archaeologises? Just hearing that theme tune causes movement in my trousers. This one has the potential to break my spirit into microscopic pieces.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army – I love Guillermo del Toro. Pan’s Labyrinth is now one of my all time favourite films. Please, Guillermo, I have faith in you man don’t let me down.
The Chronicles of Narnia – I’m not particularly attached to The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, but I am a fantasy tragic and this does look a lot darker. Talking animals are often recipe for disaster though. Just ask Eddie Murphy.
Those aren’t the only potential disappointments either. Other promising titles include: Hancock, Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder, Wanted, Speed Racer and The Happening.
I know I’m cruisin’ for a bruisin’, but there’s some promising fare amongst this summer’s crop of blockbusters. Besides, they promised me this time they’d change. I think they really, really means it this time.
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Comment by Jason King
Sydney Table
Salty Popcorn
Total Randomness
Thanks for the laugh - I totally agree.
But I am majorly excited about most of them.
I have to disagree on Transformers though - I thought it was awesome!
Thanks for the article!
Comment by Harry
Sydney Diary
Personals
Brisbane Diarystar
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