ANOTHER LIST

Aliens are back in the spotlight with the release of The Day The Earth Stood Still remake. And, however Keanu Reeves is remembered for his performance as interstellar messenger Klaatu, the character itself will remain one of the greatest extra-terrestrial visitors in film.

He was played by Michael Rennie in the original 1951 version of TDTEST, which, surrounded by a plethora of outrageous depictions of invaders from outer space, stood out in its time because of its serious portrayal of an alien landing and the importance of the message that accompanies it.

We've been blessed with a number of fantastic films over the years which have followed TDTEST's lead - namely 2001: A Space Odyssey (1969), Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977), E.T. - The Extra-Terrestrial (1982), Starman (1984), The Abyss (1989) and to a lesser extent Predator (1987)

But, as Axel Rose once sang, 'every rose has its thorn', and there has been so many more movies that have completely missed the mark when it comes to a decent story involving a UFO and its occupants.

While we've previously counted down the 10 Lamest Alien Invasions in Movie History, this list focuses on the non-invading, usually non-threatening extra-terrestrial visitors to Earth, kinda like those from the movies mentioned above - only alot more 'lame'.

These are the guys and girls from across the galaxy who have arrived on this planet accidentally or been sent on a special mission - and basically acted like 'complete dicks from outer space'. The sort of creatures that make you wish we really were alone.

Again, the line is going to be a little blurry in places when it comes to lumping them all in the same basket, but ... hey, you get that ...










10. Mac, Wiploc and Zeebo

Arrived: 1989
Movie: EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY

Close Encounters of the Color Blind

While Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans can play the 'but, we were only young' card when questioned why they agreed to appear in this MTV-style 'sci-fi/musical/comedy', the then already well-established Jeff Goldblum hasn't got any excuse.

In one of those … let's say 'flamboyant' movies from the 1980s, the threesome play a crew of moronic aliens, covered in blue (Goldblum's Mac), red (Carrey's Wiploc) and yellow (Wayan's Zeebo) fur, who get more than they bargain for when they arrive on the blue planet - full body make-overs and a little Earth woman booty.

They happen to crash-land - or splash-land - into the pool of a young Californian woman named Valerie (played by Geena Davis, starring with her then husband Goldblum for a third time after Transylvania 6-5000 and The Fly), who just happens to be sunbathing at the time, and who happens to have just discovered her fiancé Ted has cheated on her.


Now, there's nothing like a bit of alien fornacation to use as revenge, so while any normal person would probably call the 'authorities' manicurist Valerie decides to take them all down to her beauty parlor, shave 'em down - revealing three 'studs' in the process - and then takes them out clubbing with her friend. Suffice to say, they all leave Earth with a bang.

It makes you wonder how ALF, from the TV show of the same name, might've looked if they'd shaved off his hair. He may have turned out to be Ben Stiller, or maybe Adam Sandler ... yeah, the nose.

"You have liplock for Wiploc?" – Wiploc.

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9. Dop and friends

Visited: 1967
Movie: MARS NEEDS WOMEN

Close Encounters of the Gettin' Lucky Kind

Just like Snakes on a Plane (2006), the title of this extremely low-budget sci-fi offering pretty much sums up the movie - horny Martians say forget about taking me to your leader … instead take me to the nearest stripper bar.

A genetic anomaly on a populated Red Planet is causing all the women there to only give birth to male babies. As hard as the guys try nothing seems to work. So, not wanting to become known as the Pink Planet they send some of their finest studs to Earth. Judging by their outfits though, they may have already turned … Not that there would be anything wrong with that of course.

Their mission is to try and persuade local women to go back to their 'place' for coffee... and then simply regenerate the female Martian population with a little interplanetary lovin’. As the not-so-subtle tagline suggests, ‘They were looking for chicks to go all the way’.


They do strike it rich by enticing none other than legendary ’60 pin-up girl, Yvonne Craig, who plays a sexy scientist. Craig was well-known at the time as Batgirl in the corny Batman TV series and the short-lived Batgirl spin-off.

Starring as the main Martian, Dop, is Tommy Kirk, who before retiring in 2001, put together quite an interesting filmography. He starred in Dr Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (1965) and Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966), and then, in his 50s, he starred in Attack of the 60 Foot Centrefolds (1995).

“Since the Earthmen, especially the Americans, seem to place their faith in luck rather than scientific certainties, I wish you all luck” – Dop to his fellow Martians before heading out on the town.

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8. Jake the Cat

Arrived: 1978
Movie: THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE

Close Encounters of the Furball Kind

Okay, we’ve had Martians visiting Earth looking for a little pussy, now we’ve got a little pussy visiting Earth looking for … well, in this family-friendly movie from Walt Disney, all the cat in question is really after is simply a good stroke from a human hand. Alright, alright, enough, enough.

Named Jake (or Zunar J5/9 Doric 4-7 as he is known on his home planet), the alien cat actually becomes stranded on Earth after his UFO is impounded by the US government, so he must seek the help of Dr Frank Wilson (played by Ken Barry) and Dr Liz Bartlett (Sally Duncan, who was actually allergic to felines in real life).


Via a special collar Jake (voiced by Ronnie Schell) is able to speak to the humans telepathically, or is that telepatheticly? Without the very fancy collar that lights up he would be just like any other Earth cat - so pretty much useless.

While here, he somehow manages to rig a few horse races and other sporting events so he can collect enough money to buy the $120,000 worth of gold that is needed to power his ‘saucer’, which incidently comes with its own cat-leg landing gear.

In the end though he doesn’t even bother going home, instead becomes an American citizen. But who can blame him? Goes back home he might actually have to work for a living. Staying here he can just eat, sleep and lick himself like the rest of them - cats that is, not Americans. What can I say, I’m just more of a dog person.

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7. Dave Ming Chang

Visited: 2008
Movie: MEET DAVE

Close Encounters of the Has-Been Kind

How many Eddie Murphy’s does it take to make a decent movie these days? Two is certainly still not enough if the likes of Norbit (2007) and this sci-fi comedy is anything to go by. Here, he stars as an alien captain and the actual space craft (which is made in his image) that he commands. While the craft (we’ll call Big Eddie) is human size, the captain (we’ll call Little Eddie) and his crew of about 100 are all no bigger than an inch tall.

They arrive on Earth in search of a missing orb that once they have located will use to drain our oceans, so they can collect enough salt to save their own home planet of Nil. It was unfortunate though they did not burn up on entry into our atmosphere. Or at least singe of that damn Eddie moustache.

Once they do land, Big Eddie, more an android-type creation, becomes just another fish out of water, as he learns to walk, talk and eat like a human in what is supposed to be amusing fashion - but is just plain stupid. Big Eddie, eventually calling itself Dave Ming Chang, forms a relationship with a young woman and her son, and in doing Little Eddie, forms a soft spot for the human race and so decides to abort their mission - one that would obviously have been pretty harmful to us.


Apparently Meet Dave was written under the title Starship Dave, but because Murphy had previously starred in an earlier sci-fi comedy, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which had been a box office bomb, 20th Century Fox did not want to release Meet Dave with a title that suggested the film's science-fiction aspects.

In the end it didn’t matter – about as many people saw this as they did Pluto Nash, meaning it was another total disaster. They weren’t buying Eddie as a heroic human on Mars (in Pluto Nash), and they weren’t buying him as an heroic alien on Earth either.

“Yes, of course. I am just a regular person from right here on Earth, just like you. I just don't get out that much” – Dave Ming Chang.

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6. Ms Xenobia

Visited: 1988
Movie: DR ALIEN

Close Encounters of the Busty Kind

Director David DeCoteau tuned up for his sci-fi 'blockbuster' with films like Making It Huge (1985), Revenge of the Babes (1986), Boys Camp Memories (1988) and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988).

As you may have gathered by now Dr Alien is your typical run-of-the-mill corny 1980s tits and ass 'romp' that is posing as entertainment. Its other title was I Was A Teenage Sex Maniac.

The doctor of the title, Ms Xenobia, is not really a doctor. In fact, she's not really human but a blue alien who is here on Earth posing as a big-haired, big busted university teacher in order to run some 'sexual experiments' on the local youth. She picks out a dweeb Wesley Littlejohn to be her and her assistant's test subject.


Part of the experiment results in a ‘fleshy antenna’ growing out of the young Earthling’s forehead every time he gets excited. I guess you could call him a real dickhead. Anyway, this Wesley (played by Billy Jayne, not Billy Zane)) becomes a bit of a stud around campus.

Ms Xenobia is played by Judy Landers, who, believe it or not, was actually a student of music at Julliard, and also studied acting at American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Didn’t do her much good though as she was renowned for playing dim-witted blondes – even when she was an alien.

"What can you tell me about your penis?" - Ms Xenobia, straight to the point.

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5. Howard T. Duck

Visited: 1986
Movie: HOWARD THE DUCK

Close Encounters of the Fowl Stench Kind

There was a time when the cigar-smoking Howard the Duck was considered cool. About the time, when, still only known as a comic book character, the rebellious quacker took on the might of Disney, which had been threatening to sue Marvel Comics over his likeness to Donald Duck.

Though Disney executives would’ve been having a quiet chuckle to themselves when they had a 'gander' at the Howard The Duck film adaptation and saw the fowl-mouthed duck become the biggest joke of producer’s George Lucas’ career – until Jar Jar Binks came along 13 years later that is.

In one of the biggest flops in movie history, Howard looks nothing like Howard – or Donald for that matter. Obviously suffering from being made well before the advancement of CGI, which certainly would’ve helped, Howard instead looks just like a little kid dressed up in a bad Halloween costume. Really, it was about a dozen different ‘little’ stunt people who were decked out in the feathers and the out-of-proportion bill. Of course, that's only where the problems start for this shocker. We haven't got enough space for the rest.


The film’s storyline follows the basic plot from the comics – strange ‘duckman’ creature gets yanked from his strange ‘duckman’ world to Earth by a human scientist, Dr Walter Jenning, who has been conducting experiments. Howard then forms a creepy relationship with a punk singer (played by Leah Thompson) who helps him in his quest to find out exactly what happened to him.

While doing so, the duck and his chick must also stop another extra-terrestrial being that has been brought to Earth, the self-proclaimed Dark Overlord of the Universe, who possesses the body of Dr Jenning (played by the quirky Jeffrey Jones). Oh, and Tim Robbins was in it…

“Althoooooough... I HAVE developed a greater appreciation for the female version of the human anatomy... ARROOOOO!” – Howard.

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4. Alois

Visited: 1986
Movie: XAVER

Close Encounters of the Udder Kind

Eins von der schlechteste wissenschaft-belletristik films je! Forgive me if my German is a little off (someone might be able to help there), but that is supposed to translate to 'one of the worst science-fiction movies ever!'.

Also known as Xaver und sein außerirdischer Freund, this film should not escape persecution just because anyone that doesn't actually speak German can't understand what the characters are saying. You only need to watch to realise how bad this thing is.

Like most of these films on this list, Xaver, an over-the-top science-fiction/comedy, has built up a bit of cult following in the two decades since it was first released, especially in its native Germany - presumably out of pity.


You've got a little alien called Alois (played by the now deceased Carlos Pavlidis), who has crash-landed in a rural district just outside of the city of Munich. And, despite the top of his head looking like a cow's udder, the alien visitor is mistaken for being just another tourist. In fairness, he does try to keep the thing covered up.

He is helped on his mission to refuel his spacecraft by the title character Xaver (played by Rupert J. Seidel), a local dumbass, and his busty girlfriend Anni (played by Gabi Fischer), but not before the little fella fuels himself up bigtime with some of Germany's finest beer.

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3. Abraxas

Visited: 1991
Movie: ABRAXAS,
GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE

Close Encounters of the Balding Kind

Before becoming a governor, then simple wrestler Jesse 'The Body' Ventura got bit parts in films like Predator, The Running Man, Ricochet and Batman and Robin, but here was his one and only leading role. And he probably couldn't have picked a worse film.

Ranked deep in IMDb.com's Worst 100 of all-time, the film sees The Body playing the 'Guardian of the Universe' Abraxas, who is really a just big balding interstellar 'cop' who arrives on Earth to apprehend his former partner, the ridiculously-named rogue Secundus.

While the name sounds like something out of a Gladiator spoof, the character is actually played by Arnold Schwarzenegger's mate from Denmark and fellow former body builder, Sven Olsen Thorson who was in Gladiator playing the giant Tygris, who gives Maximus a good run for his money.


This Secundus character is intent on discovering the so-called 'anti-life equation' which will give him unlimited power, or some crap like that. But, for some reason, for his plan to come off, he has to get it on – meaning have sexual intercourse - with an Earth woman.

That is not the creepiest moment of the film however. That honor belongs to the part when The Body is sitting stark-naked on a bed in front of a small boy telling him about space probes and unidentified low-flying objects.

"Hello. I suppose you're not tired. Do you want to sit up here with me? I'll tell you a story. It's about two men who were partners" - Abraxas. Eeeew.

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2. Mac

Visited: 1988
Movie: MAC AND ME

Close Encounters of the Crass Commercialism Kind

Six years after ET: The Extra-Terrestrial set new high standards in the way aliens could be portrayed on the big screen – as lovable little fugitives - along comes Mac and Me to undo all of Steven Spielberg’s good work.

The film, trying to cash-in on the ET craze, featured prominently at the 1989 Golden Raspberry Awards, winning Worst Director (Stewart Raffill) and being nominated for Worst Picture and Worst Screenplay. At the opposite end of the spectrum, ET, of course, narrowly missed out on an Oscar for Best Picture.

Mac and Me was supposed to be the heart-warming tale of a crippled boy named Michael (played by Jonathan Ward) and his new best friend, a stranded alien visitor who has escaped the clutches of NASA agents, but both are just plain freaky.


The name Mac is supposed to be in reference to Mysterious Alien Creature, but had more to do with McDonald's Big Mac, as the take-away giant backed the project, along with Pepsi. Their products can be seen throughout the film, particularly when Ronald McDonald himself breaks into a song and dance routine midway through. It was enough for Big Ron to be receive his own Razzie Award nomination for Worst New Talent.

The audience wasn't buying it, or the creepy little alien we’re supposed to think is cute. The film ends with a freeze frame and the superimposed title "We'll be back!" But it proved to be such a dismal box office failure that it’s proposed sequel never got made.

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1. Nukie and Miko

Visited: 1993
Movie: NUKIE

Close Encounters of the Cruel-to-be Kind

Be afraid. Be very afraid. This may be a children’s movie, but it is as scary as hell. So bad it is scary. So mystifying how the makers were able get enough money to make it is scary. Not that they would’ve used that much to make it. It is as cheap and nasty as you could find a film.

Another from the ET mould, the story is about two little extraterrestrial explorers called Miko and Nukie, who have crash-landed on different parts of Earth. Miko, who lands in America, is quickly captured by a government ‘space agency’, while Nukie, who lands in the South African savannah, wanders aimlessly before coming into contact with a tribe and befriending two young brothers.

Don’t be fooled into feeling sorry for what are two butt-ugly, snotty-nosed alien creatures. It’s actually a shame the latter is not eaten by lions. Lost and alone, he does afterall become suicidal, saying things like “I wish the Earth would swallow me up” in his creepy voice. He has a reason to live though when he telepathically hears the howls of his brother who is suffering the real torture, being prodded and propped in every orifice by scientists.


With the assistance of the two young African boys, Nukie goes off in search of America to rescue his violated brother, but not before he pisses off the tribal elders with his utter stupidity, accidentally breaking shit and paralyzing people; doing a ridiculous dance routine in the moonlight; and forming a ‘special’ friendship with a monkey, who at one stage licks Nukie’s constantly runny nose. It is, after all, one of the most unintentionally disgusting movies of all-time.

This is a movie that takes itself seriously. But it’s certainly not ET, and I would imagine it’s certainly not what the producers would’ve had in mind. They would’ve been thinking Nukie lunch boxes, and Nukie pencil cases (like the ET one I had when I was a kid). They did trademark the name hoping for a significant windfall. What they got was two aliens once described as looking “like a cross between a retarded bushbaby, a rotten potato, and a burlap sack full of horse manure”. I liken Nukie and Miko to deformed teletubbies.

“I want to sleep … I hate this planet" - Nukie.

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